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Can you keep a secret?

Hidden in the dark,
They shall remain.
Immortal, in my mind
As a stain.
Weeping willows of past secrets
Burdens carried on the wind
Whispers behind the heart
Softly, they transcend
For I shall not share,
What’s hidden in the dark.
Fear not the stain,
As it is not a watermark.
Buried under treasures,
Swept beyond the ocean’s wave,
Carried outside a lover’s touch,
I’ll take you to the grave.

Mother’s day

One year ago I stepped into the role of step mom. I wouldn’t say I’m evil, selfish, or even crazy. I took it upon myself to be fair, kind, firm, a teacher, a cook, a guide, and someone he could count on. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing enough or what is right half the time. I’ve never been a mom before so you could say I’ve dived into this head first. I didn’t even test the water nor pray that I wouldn’t hit rocks on the way down. I went on blind faith.

It’s mother’s day and the memories of mom are always the strongest on this day. I honestly don’t want to get of bed, but there’s a little boy in the living room waiting to give me a gift. I’m waiting in bed trying to emotionally delay it all. I wonder if he knew how big this day is, if his young mind could take it?  Probably not, but that’s what an adult does. We stand alone and maybe our mom’s are still around to give advice. I wish she was. I’d ask her and tell her so much. I hope she’s proud of me. If it was her, would she do the same things?  My heart is too small to carry the love I have for my mom. She is missed beyond anything I’ve ever felt.

There are fresh flowers by my beside here…orange roses and if I peek at my present in the living room, there’s a heart box. I’m blessed to be loved and cared about, but sometimes it can be too much to bear. I’m not used to it. I’m really not. I grew up moving, shifting and I was never stable. Never. This is my very first stable place, moment, and time in my life. I’m 31. This is profound for me. To simply be comfortable in it is a lot of pressure to my natural instincts to keep moving. So what do I do? I rearrange furniture, I exercise, and anything else that I could make a change too. Most aren’t comfortable with change and I thrive in it.

I love this young boy I met a year ago. He’s such a beautiful young man and I hope I can influence him for the positive. I hope that what I do for him is righteous. I pray he makes the right choices when they come and if not, I hope he learns. In the meantime, I’m learning what it’s like to be loved, to have a stable family and to eat at a dinner table as a family.  Its all new.

I hope I don’t cry when I receive his gift. Is this what my mom felt? 

It’s almost rude to yourself when it appears the brain wishes to talk to you at midnight. Life’s mysteries are solved on the brink of sleep, it seems. I cry more now. I thought being a female was enough, but if you add in a near death experience it equals to tears. These tears are my wealth of gratitude about life.  I feel caged as well. Now I want to do everything possible, to live and breathe and drink in life. Is this what being reborn means?  

He’s so beautiful, my other half. He’s expressive even when he thinks he hides it. He’s loving even when he thinks he can’t express it The strength in him trying to be the best man for me leaves me breathless. I love him. Truly and unforgivably. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff. The wind is blowing and your heart is racing. You could fall any moment, but you can see and feel everything in that one moment. Exhilarating isn’t it?

So between the randomness of this post, I wrote a small poem at 3am. I have no idea why, no idea if it’s any good, and I honestly don’t care. On the other side, I always post my poems.
Here’s to my brain never shutting the hell up…

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It smells like sweat. I see the weights. I can almost feel the burn they create and the iron in my hands. I imagine adding the smell of my sweat to the room.  I can’t remember why I used to fight this besides the comforts of being lazy, but some days I enjoy the struggle. These are the thoughts I have before my work outs. With my limits now, my thoughts turn to how much can I push it. Some days I feel so normal that I forget I can’t run as hard and I must ignore the call of wanting my muscles to burn. There’s satisfaction in that.

What I never forget is how blessed and lucky I am to be alive. I was able to get in a solid 23 minutes of exercise tonight. That’s a lot for me. April 27th I have another CT scan to see how much I’m healing. All I can do is continue to be patient.

I don’t seem to be patient with house hunting. It drags on and I’m the type of person who knows what they want. I don’t expect brand new or remodeled.  I’m only renting, but it seems like space is non existent. I just want space…beautiful breathing room. A yard. Maybe a walk in closet?  And a big enough kitchen to where I don’t have to limit my cooking utensils.  That’s it. Simple, yet not so simple. Ugh!

On a positive note, I’m going to find a horse to brush this weekend. That’s pure happiness for my soul. 

Path’s beginnings

It’s been a long journey in two years. I’ve found my way and ended up lost as well. At this point I know where I stand while the ground is shaking. 

I reached success in my physical training. I became an amateur bodybuilder. I had muscle and curves and lines. I was healthy. I walked on stage and did my first competition. It was something I’ll never forget. The hours I put in, the dedication, the sweat, tears, and the sacrifice was worth it. Hell, I even had a six pack as a bonus.  I had so much driving force behind me that I couldn’t stop. To be honest I don’t want to stop. There’s something sexy and confident about myself now that I never had before. I had achieved personal success.  One word to describe it all?  Happiness. I had achieved it.

Now?  Now I sit and I do as much as I can within my means. There’s little I can do. I tore the artery in my neck at ninety percent. Yes, I almost died, but let’s look at the positive. I’ve gained perspective, insight, patience, and a 100% understanding that you shouldn’t settle for anything in life. Never. It’s a blessing to be a live and I’m able to learn this lesson. In lucky. I’ll heal in time and I can achieve the same success once more time. I must continue with the patience.

Never settling for me means chasing your dreams even at the ripe age of 31. I’m going to do just that when I heal. Now for my friends who live far away and are reading this, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I never told you of my condition. Honestly, it’s hard to discuss a near death experience, but now you know. To be honest not one person visited me in the hospital including family. Yes I told them. They said they had things to do. I suppose that’s their loss then, yes? 

I’m a little bitter with family. I have been for over 5 years. Its a festering cancer that I wish upon no one.

On the positive side of all of this?  I’m exactly where I should be, with whom I should be with, and understand it with clarity.  Watch me succeed!

Set yourself free

3 years of falling, crawling, running, and pushing against the wall.  You feel that strategic move in your game of chess becoming personal.  Life.  Did I make the right choice?  I’ve realized that I’m exactly where I am supposed to be.  I turned over the rocks, and climbed the stones placed in front of me.  I tripped over my own feet and here I am, standing.  Standing right here, in place, with the fullness of what I’ve overcome.  Others have slipped away and some have gained a place in my life.  I’ve realized that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  I’m happy.  In this moment, I am seeing what I am, what I could be, what and where I want to be, and grasping it to be true. It’s a feeling that I have no words to even connect to.  I’m starting to feel the real me step into place, confidently.  I am proving myself worthy to myself.  It’s almost strange…maybe surreal.  I never thought I’d feel this way.

It’s a challenge to attempt two schools and a job, but so far I think it can be successful.  Attitude and time management can make or break you. Simple as that.  Dropped Facebook, reeled in Instagram, and tamed Twitter. 

My fitness has taken a great turn.  I shifted into gear and made it a priority.  Every Sunday I cook for the whole week, making sure I weigh and measure, packing it away.  I don’t have to guess after that.  I grab and go. Simple.  I love simple.  Why set yourself up for failure?  I have muscle in places I’ve always wanted and I plan to keep going.  It’s amazing what can happen when you push your body to it’s limits.  You must learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.  Live outside your comfort zone.  Challenge yourself.  Maybe that’s the secret to taking on life.  Set yourself free

 

 

 

 

 

1am in the ER

I see his thoughts
In neglected shadows
Forgotten silhouettes of her
A figure of lonely beauty.
Does he ever attempt,
To see her for her?
Pillows fill in the silence
Sheets warm what the heart can’t.
Soft steps in the dark, dance
Embrace
I see his thoughts

3 Years

I woke up knowing I was heading to the stables, but something was off.  I felt like something was scratching at the back of my brain trying to tell me something.  Well, I wasn’t listening.  I was determined to get in the shower and put on a smile.  I was going to go see the horses.  How could I not be happy? 

I was focused and I made such an improvement in my riding today, that I laughed.  It felt great, but I still couldn’t figure out what the hell my problem was. The ladies at the barn were drinking champagne, laughing, and complimenting the new footing in the arena.  I listened to them while I just hugged Rambo.  I just wanted to breathe him in and feel his warmth.  It was so soothing to know that I had him and I just breathed.  I stayed with him like that for 15 minutes and then cleaned his bridal.  After that I started my drive home. 

I put on some music, and that feeling starts creeping back at me.  It hit me all of a sudden that I’ve been ignoring the date for a few days now.  Today is 3 years since she passed.  I’m not crying which is an improvement, but I still feel the presence of this day.  I know she’s gone.  I know I’ll never hear her voice again.  I know that she would be proud of me today and see me following my dreams.  All these things didn’t sink in last year.  I was simply too numb. It’s an improvement to learning how to let go.

She put me in English riding lessons when I was a young girl because I begged her.  I remember how scared she used to be of them.  It still makes me laugh.  She can go into war with her weapons, but she’s afraid of a horse.  I loved her oddities and her support in everything I did.  She always knew how to put things into perfect perspective.  I miss that.  

I’ve kept a lot of older recipes that she had from her mom and her grandmother.  I think I’m going to start a tradition of my own.  Every year on her birthday, I’m going to pick out one of the recipes and cook it.  Why not?  It will be a lovely memory of some of the most delicious things she used to cook when she wasn’t over seas fighting.  There’s a casserole dish that I’m dying to get my hands on.  It was awesome and delicious.  My taste buds were on joyous overload every time she made it.

One day at a time.  

Late nights

There, in the dim night

I see a reflection of you and I.

Not the simplicity of shadows,

But memories I cling to

Nay! Crave.

To feel your wild eyes,

And smell erotic scents between us,

Wrapping around me, in me,

Like we’re mated.

For the last couple of months I’ve been thinking of writing, but that means being honest with myself.   I don’t intend on lying to myself, but writing it out seems larger.  Maybe it is.  I do know I don’t like thinking about her anymore.  Not in the sense of hatred, regret, or remorse, but a sensation of loss is troublesome to carry all the time.  I’ve been happier without thinking of her, a little bit lighter in my steps.  I see the greatness in my survival of her, the patterns of her in me, and the differences that make me, me.  Even so, I have to change this.  It isn’t about survival.  It’s about living and having a passion for life.  There’s a lot good in this world, and I’ve been making small decisions that set me apart from survival to living. 

I feel alive when I’m with the horses.  I seem to have a strong focus on them.  I could be having a hell of a day and as soon as I set foot in the barn, none of it matters.  Not even the things I should be worrying about.  Who has time for it?  If I could work in a barn and afford such a simple, beautiful, wonderful life, then that is where you’d find me.  My new perfume would be me smelling like horses.  I’ve often wondered if I’m focusing more on my passions, because I’m grasping like one does when they need air.  Horses are my air, a reason to breathe.  

I’m going to assume that my OCD has picked up a notch in helping me keep my mind blank and my worries on the back burner because I’m cleaning twice as much.  I wake up, clean, get ready for work, come home, cook, and clean some more.  I throw a shower in there somewhere.  I’m like an energizer bunny, but less hairy.  At least I’m house trained, right? 

I’m working as a teller now.  I absolutely love it and I’m learning something new every day.  I find it rather funny that people seem upset that their money disappears and they blame it on the bank.  It’s called budgeting, but I suppose even the government can’t seem to do that.  haha  Most people are great and patient with me.  Attitude can make or break you. 

I ordered the Ultimate Reset from beachbody.com.   I’m very excited about it and I’m going to keep tabs on my results for all you curious folks out there.  I’ll be starting it next week since I need to go grocery shopping.  I can’t say it will be easy, but I know it will be worth it.  After that I think I’m going to order Insanity and give that a shot as well.  I’ve done P90x and love the results, but I think I need to shake it up.  After that, I’ll think about doing a hybrid mix of the two.  I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  I absolutely hate it because of pure laziness and no other reason.  I absolutely love it for all of the above.  You never regret working out. 

As the world turns, I’ll be watching Snow White and The Huntsman tonight.  Here’s to hoping it isn’t too packed.