Tag Archive: February


I will not quit

I’m sitting at school today and I realized something.  I’ve done well.  Most people who are behind as I am when it comes to tests, notes, and things I must know on my practicals for finals would of dropped the class.  That is not an option for me nor will I let it be.  I’m studying my ass off.  I’m arriving as early as 6am and my average day this week, I haven’t left before 5pm.  I’m putting my time in and giving it all I’ve got. Sure, my grades have dropped slightly but I’m doing well.  I’m busier then I’ve been since I’ve started school and I love it.  You give me a challenge and I’ll push back.  That’s exactly what I’m doing.  Pushing.  My friend Liz told me I’m doing better than I think I am.  This is probably true considering that we are our worst critic.   The reason why I’m behind is because of that awful flu I had.  I was quarantined for five days.  Yup five days.  Thanks to my friends, soup was dropped off at my door.  I can’t tell you how much hatred I have for soup right now.  Five days missed at my school kicks you in the ass, but I decided that I would kick it’s ass instead.  I didn’t want to be the one to drop.  I don’t want to be the one who says “I have to take the class again”  No, this is not for me.

I have animal care this week and I love it.  Animal care is when you come in at different times of the day between classes and take care of the dogs and cats.  Cleaning, socializing and walking.  I know others wouldn’t agree with me because of the time it takes up your day, but I love it.  And why shouldn’t I?  I want to be a Vet Tech and if I want that, then I should want to take the time to do even the worst of jobs for these animals.  I’m their advocate.  I’m their voice.  I want to succeed for them.

Ahh math.  I’ve had so much trouble with this class with the time I’ve lost and yet I succeeded.  I’d say I’m damn proud of myself.  I had a tutor along with my friends tutoring me.  Thank goodness for that!  I had a major math test today and I feel like I did really well.  Most have trouble finishing it in time, but I finished not only in time but with time to check my work.  Woot!  What’s important about this math isn’t the A’s or B’s I receive, but if I get it or not.  I can not do anything without really grasping this math.  I will be using it for the rest of my life in my career.  I refuse to be the one to overdose or incorrectly dose an animal and risk killing something I love.  I refuse it so the A’s don’t matter.  What matters is that it sticks in my brain like mud.

And with those thoughts in mind back to class I go….

What the future holds

So there was 2010 and it was a dramatic experience for me, including my friends and family or anyone else that was in my life at that point.  There’s a change that can not be undone and I was the middle standing ground for all of which it centered.  It’s not like I asked for it, but hey life can be a bitch.  Who’s to say I can’t push back?  So I did the best I could and I still am.

2011 is here and I can’t even explain how epic this year is going to be.  In fact it might be one of the best years of my life.  It’s pretty obvious how much more awesome it’s going to be than last year.  It will be like a sunrise in my heart.  No joke.  We are talking about epic proportions here people.  So shall I explain my upcoming year?

Number 1 awesome thing that started this year right is that I got the flu.  I know what you’re thinking but let me finish.  I lost 10lbs and I’m keeping it off so far.  I’m also about to get back into P90x.  If you haven’t tried it, I don’t know what the hell you’re doing with your life.  It is truly the kick ass version of kicking your ass and you’ll top out the winner in 90 days.  How could you get any better than that?

The second awesome thing that will happen is I’ll be at the biggest pow wow the day after my birthday.  Now if you know anything about me you know I have an insatiable love for their culture, artifacts and well of course their men.  I won’t deny I have an extreme soft spot for them.  My secret is out.  Pow wows are amazing, fun, and down right awesome.  So there you have it, my great birthday present.  Just me and they didn’t even know it.  How thoughtful of them to do it around my birthday.

Now the third thing is pretty cool and I think that everyone should do it at least once.  Camping.  I’ll be doing that in May.  Straight up in the mountains and by a beautiful small river.  I could live there forever, really.  I promise there will be pictures.  It’s like a mini vacation.  During this trip I’ll be learning how to make my own short bow done traditionally Native American style.  It takes a bit of time but it will be very much worth it.  First you soak the wood in cold water for 12hrs.  When the wood is pliable you bend it and put it in a vice so it’ll stay that way.  Once that is done you hang it up 4ft above the fire.  This will dry out and seal the wood in that shape.  Cool or what?

Also in May I will be having what I hope to have as my last sitting for my tattoo.  Hopefully that phoenix will come together and I’ll have an epic bird on my body as beautiful art.  I really have no words for  how much I love my phoenix.  Here’s what I’ve got so far.

As far as my fifth journey into this year, I’ll be going to Vegas for a weekend with friends around August.  I’ve never been so I can’t wait to explore it with good company and great laughs.  I’m sure by the time I have been to and back from Vegas and my trip into the mountains in May I will have also made a trip to the Renaissance fair.  How could I not?  If I don’t, I wouldn’t be supporting my nerdy love for old ways and dressing up for the occasion!  Oh the decisions to be a lady or a gypsy?  What do you guys think?  A lady?  It might be hard for me to pull that one off, haha.  Or maybe a gypsy?  You decide, let me know.

As far as the sixth, I’m hoping my main journey of the year will be Australia.  It’s extremely important I go, so I know it will happen.  I will finally take my mother to her resting place and we will see the ocean together.  I might even look at a few houses for fun, just for her.  I promised I’d keep the trip according to plan and I don’t break vows.  Very important I go, hands down, don’t get in my way kind of thing.

Out of all these things, I’ll be attending school and heading towards a path in my life that I’ve dreamed about for so long.  It’s amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.  Pushing the boundaries, setting goals, and defying the challenges are what make life so damn great.  Really, it’s amazing.  I’ve made the decision to make my life full of quality and quantity where I can have it.    Not to mention I did make that dog sledding trip in January as well.  Dog sledding for goodness sakes!  It’s under a previous post called Hike up Yetti, so if you’ve got a moment, read it.  I think you’ll enjoy the trip as much as I did.

Epic proportions this year!

Oh my!

There are moments in life where I go “oh my!”  Today is one of those moments.  Instead of it lasting for a few seconds, I think it’s here to stay today.  In other words, I feel amazing!  I just had to share it, to tell the whole world that today I’m going to shine, walk with my head held high, and walk around with color in my heart.  I’m going to sparkle with life in my eyes.  I know it’s cheesy but it’s not as cheesy as the vampires who sparkle in Twilight.

I turned the music up really loud this morning and danced my heart out.  You ever feel like doing that?  Well I suggest it.  It’s good medicine.  The sun is shining.  All my blinds are open along with the windows.  What a perfect slightly windy, sunny day!

Okay okay so you get it.  I just hope you can share in the delight with me.  Will you shine today?

Confess


He caresses her cheek, placing a soft kiss on the other.  Tenderness given to the love of his life.  She’s beautiful, his light and it shows with a look, a touch, and a smile.  No words were ever needed.

Ahh but we are in reality not fantasy right?  So they make us all a special day called Valentines day.  It’s not like I haven’t received gifts from partners or joyful text messages from my girlfriends, but why should a day tell us when to express our love and affections?  Why should there be a holiday to prove something to someone when we all should be doing it every day?

This is where I am going to express my dislike for Valentines day.  Oh yes, you read right.  I’m really not in love with lover’s day.  Why can’t a man give me gifts just because it’s Wednesday?    It’s so much more appealing to know he was thinking of me on a random day.  Also what happened to courting?  I’m not talking about 17th century so out of date courting, but courting non the less.  Of course if you aren’t out for love, then by all means, skip the courting.  Yet if you are out for love, shouldn’t it be worth putting effort in?  It’s not like the effort I’m asking is to take on the world of the female species, just my world.  I’d say I’m not that complicated, right?  For those that know me, stop laughing.  I’m simply saying let’s not give Hallmark and all the others who are grinning ear to ear, the pleasure of winning anymore.  They’re making money off of a holiday that we should be doing with others anyway!

Now that I’ve made a very small valid point, here’s a love poem I wrote awhile ago.  I thought it might go with the occasion

Confess

Tis night,

Bright, a lovely glow.

Thy moon is high and half

Drunk off this sweetness,

A smile, the joy, I give a laugh.

I stumble upon thy words,

Confess love, oh love!

To confess, a feeling, my heart,

No more does it beat apart.

Love is shown to bring thee home.

 

Dear Mom…

I spent days trying to sort this out and it’s still not even close to how I feel.  How can you even pin point such a thing?  Maybe you’ll understand in some way how much I miss her.  (Written in 2010)

Dear mom,
You left your heart behind
And the light that shines
Did you misplace the smiles
Because I can’t grasp mine

I miss the way we breathe
And how we held it all in
Now it’s all out and gone
I’m not living within

Those phone calls were long
I could hear the smiles, the tears
You gave it your best shot
Now I have to live through the years

Living half apart, broken
You could fix anything, I remember
A wisdom that knocked me off my pride
It’s 8 months in September

I called you those days,
Why did you go?
I miss everything about you
Why didn’t you tell me what you know?

You came back from the fighting
To protect the country, you had to go
I said goodbye
But I didn’t get a hello

I’ll still make that trip to Australia
And show you the seas
We won’t miss a thing
Not even the sea shore breeze

I’ll carry the flag with pride
Just as you did each day
I promise to get my degree
Living my dream and paving the way

Nothing is the same
The best foods are tasteless
I can’t remember the sound of your voice
It’s not something I like to confess

I’m sorry I made you cry
I’m sorry we have to say goodbye
I ask God, my life for yours
But the days just pass by

My emotions are as mixed
As these words I’m writing
I’m not sure how to feel
Some days I feel like I’m fighting
For my own life to work
Why do I even get up?
The mornings are like a desert
Empty, left thirsty for a loving cup

Of you, your face, those eyes
Demons beating down my soul
Of the guilt between you and I
And all I hear is “nevermore”

I have so many things to say
Yet I’m left speechless
I don’t want to walk away
What am I to do with this mess?

I’ve screamed for release
I’ve cried until the sleep takes me
The loneliness is on the increase
My heart and I can only agree

I’m so damn numb
I walk with no purpose
The drums aren’t beating with stories
This relentless war has no glories

I’m tired, fatigued and worn out
Of the focus of you
What do you expect me to do?
I’m left half apart and without

You come in dreams
And we carry nothing but silence
But your face tells all
Please mom don’t let me fall

Could you call me just one more time?
Tell me it’ll be alright and I’ll be fine
I’ll give back every single dime
I don’t want this life to be mine

I never told you
You’re my hero, my very life
I wish I could be like you
Being all I can be just so you can see

How proud you are of me
I remember when you told me
I hid the tears, the sunrise in my heart
Never thinking in two days you would depart

The very world shattered in my existence
I’m on the front-line with a flat line
There’s no electric fire
In my soul to breathe and shine

I’ll continue to replay our songs
Dancing in the car with memories
Smiling at the days
With our hair blowing in the summer breeze

I won’t give up on any day
I’ll answer the door if you knock
I love you ma ma
You are my strength, my rock.

Love,
Your daughter.

Girls night out

So there I was, Jameson and I getting along pretty well on a Friday night while my friends played pool.  I was laughing so hard at how horrible we all were.  Of course having alcohol to encourage us is how you miss the cue ball so many times before you finally hit your mark.  This night, the girls were just trying to cheer me up.  Help a team member out and make her smile.  I’m not much of a drinker but that night I guess I decided to join in.  It was a dainty bar with one pool table but quiet with a few tellys to watch a game or two.

After awhile three large gentlemen came up to us to see if we might be done with the table.  I didn’t notice at first but everyone around me sure did.  They wrinkled their noses and moved to the front of the bar before I could escape with them.  As soon as I walked by it was the worst raunchy b.o. I have ever smelt in my life.  So thick in the air you could almost see it like on the Tom and Jerry cartoons.  Whew did I walk fast. If it had a color, it would of been green like rotten eggs.  It stuck on your clothes.

The night went on, us sitting in the front of the bar playing trivia on one of the screens.  We’re pretty smart ladies so we were doing quiet well.  I put a few coins in the juke box and the sweet sounds of Nine Inch Nails drifted through the air.  I had to mix it up and play some Phoenix – 1901.  My friend, J, which is what I’ll call her on here, was a bit toasty, yet even sober the girl has a feisty mouth on her.  She tells it like it is and is the biggest smart ass I know.  She’ll let you know.  As we are about to leave, she decides to take her small self and approach one of those large gentleman sitting down in a chair.  This is how she told me the conversation went:

J: Hi, I was just wanting to let you know that one of your friends smells really bad.

Guy: What do you want me to do about?

J: Maybe you could tell him to take a shower?  I don’t know, but it’s so bad you can smell it across the bar

Guy:  He just looks at her, blinks, and shrugs

J: I’d be embarrassed to go around smelling like shit

J proceeds to walk off at this point to our little group.  We laugh our asses off on the way to dropping me off at my apartment.  I still can’t believe she did that.  If she were a guy, I think she would of been punched in the face.  I walk into the door and proceed to pass out in my big comfy bed with a smile on face.

The love of friends.

Hike up Yetti!

I have a bucket list.  On that bucket list is all sorts of items like backpacking through Europe, visit Australia, dance with the Native Americans at one of the pow wows, or drive a 1969 Camaro completely restored preferably black.  I have plenty more on that list and each person’s list has their dreams, desires or maybe something they just want to do so they can say they’ve done it.  One thing on my list was dog sledding.  I used to watch the Discovery channel as a little girl, intent on the shows they’d show about the Iditarod races.  I wanted to fly with the dogs, explore the wilderness, and really take winter by the balls.  I suppose at 10 years old it’s not every little girl’s dream but she’s still in there, telling me you have to do it one day.

I was given the opportunity a couple of weekends ago.  The overwhelming excitement that came over me is not something that can be described.  So I took a trip up to Breckenridge, Colorado which is about an easy two hour trip to the mountains.   Grabbed a local hotel that night and waited for the the sun to rise.  My excitement kept me up most of the night so sleep wasn’t on my items of things to do.  It was like waking up on Christmas morning when you’re 7.  Who cares if it’s 6am and the rest of the world isn’t ready for you.

I stood in front of the place that would make my anticipation into something real.  I was dressed for the occasion looking all puffed up in my jacket, gloves on and my beanie snugged tight.  I was ready but nervous.  I was about to dog sled and I was going to be the leader of the team.  How cool is that?  I met the others who would be in my group.  We would all get turns driving the sled and the others would ride on a sleigh up ahead hooked to our guide on a snowmobile

Let’s meet my new friends. 

Before the big ride, I had to love on the pups.  Who wouldn’t?  Aren’t they just perfect?  All of them were very friendly.  These two weren’t from my team, but of course I’m a lover.  One dog I met had only one eye (below), but I’d say he was one the coolest of the bunch.  These dogs get fed well, loved on by many people each day, and run their hearts out like they were born to do.  The brake is on, their bark is full of anticipation, and they say  “Let’s go!  I’m ready!  Let’s run!”  You can see it in their faces.  I was right there with them in their passion. 

This is the team that would take me through the woods at high speeds and up tiring hills.  You have to help get the sled up the hills.  The dogs can’t pull you without a little help.  It’s a huge team effort.  Exercise wasn’t an option that day. 

Yetti, is the main lead dog.  He’s the red and white guy who     looks happy all the time with his tongue out.  He knew his commands perfectly.  We took the hills together, asking him to hike up as I helped push the sled.  All of us worked as a team.

Soon it was my turn and my heart was racing.  I looked so silly but who cared?  I was about to have the time of my life.  I let off the brake and off we went.  I leaned into the turns with them and we took off at a steady pace.  The wind is in your face, the smell of the trees, the sound of their paws hitting the snow as they pant, and you can’t help but smile.  At one point we stopped because we had just gone up a hill and everyone was tired.  I now understood without a doubt that the people who did this for sport or a living were in amazing shape.  The next few turns we were going to head down a hill at full speed.  I was doing really good, gave a little brake to keep the lines tight and a left turn was ahead.  I kept low and leaned into the turn, yet I didn’t lean right nor fast enough.  I fell off!  The dogs stopped ahead and I felt myself laughing.  I have never felt more alive!  Of course my team members were laughing as well but who could blame them?  I had just done something that most people only see on t.v.

I would definitely like to see Yetti one more time or maybe 5.


All in all I’ve never had some much fun in my life, besides riding horses of course.  If you know anything about me, it’s hard to beat my love for horses.  In the end, I decided to stay another day in town and look at the ice sculptures, visit some of the shops and have some great dinner.  Of course you can’t forget the dip in a hot tub that sits outside with the ski slopes behind you.

I left early in the morning, a snow storm on my trail and made it just in time for class.

There’s no manual

That’s right.  We all know it and yet we all search for those little secrets that can get us through the day, a week, a month, or even the year.  Well I’m here to tell you there’s no real manual to life except for the one you make up everyday.  A friend of mine told me that my life is only great if I believe it’s great.  How true that is.  If I were to simply stare and pick out all the negative, then how great would my life  be?

I was walking around today thinking of my mom and how much I miss her.  There’s a deep loneliness tethered together with thoughts of her.  It’s hard to believe she’s gone.  It’s hard to believe I won’t hear a phone call from her on my birthday, nor have her yell at me for the large tattoo I have.  There are times where I could be in a store looking at candy and there are those damn peppermint pattys that she loved so much.  Sometimes it’s a simple saying and I’m right back to the time with her and I.  It’s hard not to do it and yet I don’t regret the thoughts no matter how hard they are.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that my life has no manual and I take it day by day.  I smile, I dance, I ask for help when I need it and there’s no miracle.  I simply do what mom might have wanted me to do and still break those rules that she would be yelling at me for to this day.  I smile at those moments.  I remember when I first had my lip pierced and she was over in Afghanistan.  She emailed me asking for a picture to show her crew what I looked like.  I obliged.  The only email I received back was “Stop piercing shit!”  It still makes me smile.  There are days where I can’t help but express my love and heartbreak about her.  I push and I push harder.  The days come and I’m proud to say I am my mother’s daughter.  I’m proud to say I’m making it and winning everyday in school.

What’s next?  What do the days hold for me?  I don’t know but I’ll write new pages in my own manual trying to beat life at it’s own game.  The fire in my heart isn’t out.