For the last couple of months I’ve been thinking of writing, but that means being honest with myself.   I don’t intend on lying to myself, but writing it out seems larger.  Maybe it is.  I do know I don’t like thinking about her anymore.  Not in the sense of hatred, regret, or remorse, but a sensation of loss is troublesome to carry all the time.  I’ve been happier without thinking of her, a little bit lighter in my steps.  I see the greatness in my survival of her, the patterns of her in me, and the differences that make me, me.  Even so, I have to change this.  It isn’t about survival.  It’s about living and having a passion for life.  There’s a lot good in this world, and I’ve been making small decisions that set me apart from survival to living. 

I feel alive when I’m with the horses.  I seem to have a strong focus on them.  I could be having a hell of a day and as soon as I set foot in the barn, none of it matters.  Not even the things I should be worrying about.  Who has time for it?  If I could work in a barn and afford such a simple, beautiful, wonderful life, then that is where you’d find me.  My new perfume would be me smelling like horses.  I’ve often wondered if I’m focusing more on my passions, because I’m grasping like one does when they need air.  Horses are my air, a reason to breathe.  

I’m going to assume that my OCD has picked up a notch in helping me keep my mind blank and my worries on the back burner because I’m cleaning twice as much.  I wake up, clean, get ready for work, come home, cook, and clean some more.  I throw a shower in there somewhere.  I’m like an energizer bunny, but less hairy.  At least I’m house trained, right? 

I’m working as a teller now.  I absolutely love it and I’m learning something new every day.  I find it rather funny that people seem upset that their money disappears and they blame it on the bank.  It’s called budgeting, but I suppose even the government can’t seem to do that.  haha  Most people are great and patient with me.  Attitude can make or break you. 

I ordered the Ultimate Reset from beachbody.com.   I’m very excited about it and I’m going to keep tabs on my results for all you curious folks out there.  I’ll be starting it next week since I need to go grocery shopping.  I can’t say it will be easy, but I know it will be worth it.  After that I think I’m going to order Insanity and give that a shot as well.  I’ve done P90x and love the results, but I think I need to shake it up.  After that, I’ll think about doing a hybrid mix of the two.  I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  I absolutely hate it because of pure laziness and no other reason.  I absolutely love it for all of the above.  You never regret working out. 

As the world turns, I’ll be watching Snow White and The Huntsman tonight.  Here’s to hoping it isn’t too packed. 

Advertisements