Category: January


Midnight Cravings

Work.  I’m blessed to have it and fortunate to be able to put food on the table.  End of story.   There’s only one thing that bothers me, and that’s bosses who don’t give two pennies about employees.  I understand you have a business to run, but I think I’m the one helping you run it, right?  Thank you for telling me you don’t give a damn about how I feel about my mother’s death right to my face.  You have balls and you’re lucky I need you to pay bills because I should have walked out.  I should have left.  Is respect to much to ask in the work place today?

I was talking to my cousin today and I realized that I’ve grown into my own self confidence.  I’m more about me and what I want instead of catering to everyone’s needs first.  It’s draining.  There’s no side stepping what I want or pushing back down the emotions of how I feel.  I acknowledge them, let them be known, and walk with it.  I’m tough loving myself to be more assertive in standing up for what I feel and want.  Should I care he or she is talking about me?  Hell no.  Does it matter?  No.  Do they matter at the end of the day?  No.  Walking on with my bad self and leaving the game to the haters!

I haven’t made an appointment for a tattoo sitting in quite awhile.  I’m starting to feel my addiction jitters for the gun.  I can almost hear it buzzing.  I can almost feel the needles hit my skin.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and imagine my phoenix finished, it’s tail bloomed with colors.  I dream of golds, reds, blues, purples, and maybe some green.  I envision it coming to life from the essence of it’s colors.  Such beauty my eye does see, yet reality sets in and I realize, I need to make another appointment.  For shame that there isn’t a sitting available just yet.  Patience isn’t my friend.

I wish someone would of told me in kindergarten that I better get used to lines, because it’s a permanent situation.  No matter where you go, you’re in line.  If you need to use the restroom, there’s a line.  Hurry up ladies!  Let’s not forget how awful the lines are at the post office or airport.  If I want to buy groceries, there’s a line to hand over my wallet.  You have to remember to grab the ice cream last so it doesn’t melt by simply waiting in line.  It’s never ending.  I mean come on, a warning would of been nice.  The same rules apply too.  If you’re in front, you’re winning the unspoken game.  If you’re in back, well isn’t that just crap for you.  Some things in life are false advertisement.  Can I get a refund?

 

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Flying With Horses

I was on the edge of my seat each time the horse made the jumps on t.v.  I would pretend it was me in that saddle, clued to it, flying over each hurdle.   I’d watch those shows for hours just dreaming.  What was it like to fly with horses?  Of course, I never thought those dreams were ever possible.  I had a better chance of having my lunch stolen or missing the buss the next day at school.  What did I know at twelve?  What I did know was mom tried her best to get me lessons, but they were expensive.  It didn’t last long and I was heart broken.  I didn’t beg or whine like I wanted too because I saw mom struggle with the decision.  At the time, she was making me balance her check book as a lesson on how to save, pay bills, and make sure you were in budget.  She was like that, always one step ahead of the game called knowledge.  I was twelve, helping mom budget, and I knew we couldn’t afford it.  I couldn’t even get a job.

The years went by, school was…school.  As I became older, the opportunities to ride became more available, but it wasn’t enough.  It was never enough.   That little girl was still dreaming of dressage and jumping, being in the arena winning ribbons, but the realistic adult was ever so pushy saying it wasn’t practical.  Ahh to loose the heart of a child is a sad thing.  I also had the words of others in my thoughts telling me I could never do it for many reasons.  It’s hard not to listen and maybe I didn’t believe in myself enough.  That can be dangerous to a person.  I ended up paying for rides in between years and it always felt empty.  I wasn’t meant for just trail rides on the mountain side.  I was meant for…something.  I was starting to realize I was loosing myself and who I am.  The only time I felt a sense of being complete was when I was around horses.

In the summer of 2007 I worked on a ranch up in Granby, Colorado.  I landed the job over the phone.  I couldn’t of been happier.  I drove from Boise, Idaho to Granby, Colorado in one day all by myself in my Jeep Cherokee that I had.  What a trip!  I was a waitress and in my spare time you could find me in no other place but in the barn or pasture.  I had help in excelling in my riding.  I even rounded up a head of 100 horses a few times.  I don’t think I could describe what it was like to do such a thing.  Most mornings on that ranch I woke up to the dawn, the sun peeking behind the Rockies, and over a 100 horses running down the hill from the pasture.    It was a long, yet short summer.  After that, it was back to the real world and no horses once more.

I decided it was time for school.  I chose Vet Tech naturally and I decided I wanted to do large animal.  Horses are the focus.  I still have a year left to complete.  I’m also going to be attending a massage therapy school for horses as well.  I’m also looking to start my own horse boarding.  These goals have been long in the making, but again it still wasn’t enough so I finally said to myself, “Self, what’s really holding you back from lessons now?” So I got up, picked up the phone, and called a place I’ve been researching about lessons.  It’s about damn time, don’t you think?  Yeah, yeah it’s time.  I’ve been taking lessons 3-4 times a week and you know what?  I might be competing for the first time in summer or fall.  Most likely fall.  I’m starting with dressage and then I’ll focus on jumping once I get the rest down.  Steps.  I’m taking the steps.  I didn’t let that little girl die and I never plan to.  I’m more focused than ever.

The moment I smell a horse, I smile.  The moment I began to brush and saddle her, I forget my worries and give her my secrets.  The moment I step into the arena, my heart lightens, and the very second I’m riding, I’m complete.  I know who I am now.  I’m a woman who loves horses and I will never give them up.