Category: April


It’s time for a change.  I really need one.  I’m grabbing at the seams for it and yet I still haven’t made the move to do it.  It’s like I’ve locked up all the things I want to do and told myself NO.  I’m not sure if it’s lack of motivation, my very heavy school schedule or I’m just too damn tired to even move.  Goodness my school schedule is insane.  I plan to push through and make it cry haha  No giving up on this side, I promise.

So how does one push themselves for more change when you’re so tired or fully loaded with projects?  Perhaps a more solid schedule will keep me in line?  All I’m asking for at this moment is to get back up on exercising.  I miss it.  I miss the sweat, the energy, the full powered sleep at night, and the high you get when you’re done.  Gosh damn that high is what made it all worth while.  You felt like you were on top of the world and life was alright in that moment. What I don’t miss?  The same thing over and over again.  Boring!

My personal want to projects:

Learn another language

exercise every day

Learn how to play the bagpipes

Horseback riding 4x a week

rock climbing at least 3 times

Buy a SLR digital camera

Buy a damn good bike so I can go biking

horseback ride through Yellowstone for a week

It’s not a long list, but a lot of this takes time in which I just don’t have.  How bad could my school schedule be?  Right now it’s close to a 9-5 job and when I get home I still have to study.  No complaints, truly, but I’m more focused on the books than anything else.  I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I don’t do something fun!  So if I’m lucky, Saturday is going to be about me and only me.  No books, no class talk, no studying, no nothing.  If I want to not leave my bed all day then damn it, that’s what  I’m going to do.

Back to class because I have a test on muscles and their functions in 15 minutes.  I’ll Ace it, don’t worry


My crayon box is missing a few

I feel a bit odd posting this and I think it’s been a long time coming.  I don’t know if I have the right words to describe exactly the feelings that are playing havoc on my heart and mind.  I’m a bit confused.  I laughed out loud thinking to myself that I must be crazy.  I am crazy. It’s the only explanation I have.

Deep breath

I feel like someone is out there searching for me like I am there for them.  I know, it’s crazy right?  I mean I’m talking about a feeling. It’s just there, as if I know.  I suppose you all think I’m nuts now but you know what?  I don’t care.  I really don’t.  This has been with me now for about a few months.  What if I’m right?  Is there a Man out there just for me who’s looking like I am?  My expectations in males has sky rocketed so high that I don’t have an interest in anything resembling a male at this point.  Although I am open.  Very open.

The heart has it’s standards and you can never underestimate it’s ability to act up when you least expect it.

Do I want to go on dates?  ha!  Do I look?  Of course and I’m a bit disappointed.  I won’t lie.  This feeling is so strong that I feel like saving myself. As in forgoing it all intimately.  Who would of thought that would come out of me?  If you know me, this is abnormal.  I tend to have a higher libido then most of the male population.  It’s simply the truth so don’t argue with me.  Ask my friends.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m definitely not the sleep around type.  It’s also becoming easy to want to wait too because I’m simply putting faith and stock in this feeling.  I am crazy, but what’s wrong with a little off your rocker moments?

My crayon box is missing a few.

Instincts are kicking in and telling me to hold off, it’s not right, it’s not him, wait a bit longer, don’t believe their lies, etc.  Gosh damn if it doesn’t make me happier to see myself not as easily swayed.  I remember when I was a teenager, I believed anything.  I believed he loved him.  I believed.  How naive I was.  At the same time, things seemed easier.   It was easy to find a boy you liked and he liked you back.  The fluttery butterflies in your stomach were the first signs, weren’t they?  I miss that feeling.  I haven’t had those in such a long time, that I have forgotten what’s it like.  Do wives still have that with their husbands and vise versa?

Lately I’ve been told by both sexes that I’m intimidating.  Me?  Really?  Is it the lip piercing?  I’m 5’6, brunette hair, pale skin, blue eyes…you know the normal.  I’m not ugly but I don’t have striking looks either.  I’m like everyone else so how can that be intimidating?  At this point, I think my friends are just trying to make me feel better about things like in the movie He’s Not That Into You.  I love my friends, but let’s be honest here.

So there it is.  My secret the last few months.  I feel like the one could be out there.  Here’s where I laugh because I’ve never wanted to get married and I still don’t.  Truly.  Kids?  I’ll take animals instead, but who says that he won’t feel the same?

Even after admitting this, I still feel….out of place.   This could prove to be interesting.