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Midnight Cravings

Work.  I’m blessed to have it and fortunate to be able to put food on the table.  End of story.   There’s only one thing that bothers me, and that’s bosses who don’t give two pennies about employees.  I understand you have a business to run, but I think I’m the one helping you run it, right?  Thank you for telling me you don’t give a damn about how I feel about my mother’s death right to my face.  You have balls and you’re lucky I need you to pay bills because I should have walked out.  I should have left.  Is respect to much to ask in the work place today?

I was talking to my cousin today and I realized that I’ve grown into my own self confidence.  I’m more about me and what I want instead of catering to everyone’s needs first.  It’s draining.  There’s no side stepping what I want or pushing back down the emotions of how I feel.  I acknowledge them, let them be known, and walk with it.  I’m tough loving myself to be more assertive in standing up for what I feel and want.  Should I care he or she is talking about me?  Hell no.  Does it matter?  No.  Do they matter at the end of the day?  No.  Walking on with my bad self and leaving the game to the haters!

I haven’t made an appointment for a tattoo sitting in quite awhile.  I’m starting to feel my addiction jitters for the gun.  I can almost hear it buzzing.  I can almost feel the needles hit my skin.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and imagine my phoenix finished, it’s tail bloomed with colors.  I dream of golds, reds, blues, purples, and maybe some green.  I envision it coming to life from the essence of it’s colors.  Such beauty my eye does see, yet reality sets in and I realize, I need to make another appointment.  For shame that there isn’t a sitting available just yet.  Patience isn’t my friend.

I wish someone would of told me in kindergarten that I better get used to lines, because it’s a permanent situation.  No matter where you go, you’re in line.  If you need to use the restroom, there’s a line.  Hurry up ladies!  Let’s not forget how awful the lines are at the post office or airport.  If I want to buy groceries, there’s a line to hand over my wallet.  You have to remember to grab the ice cream last so it doesn’t melt by simply waiting in line.  It’s never ending.  I mean come on, a warning would of been nice.  The same rules apply too.  If you’re in front, you’re winning the unspoken game.  If you’re in back, well isn’t that just crap for you.  Some things in life are false advertisement.  Can I get a refund?

 

Flying With Horses

I was on the edge of my seat each time the horse made the jumps on t.v.  I would pretend it was me in that saddle, clued to it, flying over each hurdle.   I’d watch those shows for hours just dreaming.  What was it like to fly with horses?  Of course, I never thought those dreams were ever possible.  I had a better chance of having my lunch stolen or missing the buss the next day at school.  What did I know at twelve?  What I did know was mom tried her best to get me lessons, but they were expensive.  It didn’t last long and I was heart broken.  I didn’t beg or whine like I wanted too because I saw mom struggle with the decision.  At the time, she was making me balance her check book as a lesson on how to save, pay bills, and make sure you were in budget.  She was like that, always one step ahead of the game called knowledge.  I was twelve, helping mom budget, and I knew we couldn’t afford it.  I couldn’t even get a job.

The years went by, school was…school.  As I became older, the opportunities to ride became more available, but it wasn’t enough.  It was never enough.   That little girl was still dreaming of dressage and jumping, being in the arena winning ribbons, but the realistic adult was ever so pushy saying it wasn’t practical.  Ahh to loose the heart of a child is a sad thing.  I also had the words of others in my thoughts telling me I could never do it for many reasons.  It’s hard not to listen and maybe I didn’t believe in myself enough.  That can be dangerous to a person.  I ended up paying for rides in between years and it always felt empty.  I wasn’t meant for just trail rides on the mountain side.  I was meant for…something.  I was starting to realize I was loosing myself and who I am.  The only time I felt a sense of being complete was when I was around horses.

In the summer of 2007 I worked on a ranch up in Granby, Colorado.  I landed the job over the phone.  I couldn’t of been happier.  I drove from Boise, Idaho to Granby, Colorado in one day all by myself in my Jeep Cherokee that I had.  What a trip!  I was a waitress and in my spare time you could find me in no other place but in the barn or pasture.  I had help in excelling in my riding.  I even rounded up a head of 100 horses a few times.  I don’t think I could describe what it was like to do such a thing.  Most mornings on that ranch I woke up to the dawn, the sun peeking behind the Rockies, and over a 100 horses running down the hill from the pasture.    It was a long, yet short summer.  After that, it was back to the real world and no horses once more.

I decided it was time for school.  I chose Vet Tech naturally and I decided I wanted to do large animal.  Horses are the focus.  I still have a year left to complete.  I’m also going to be attending a massage therapy school for horses as well.  I’m also looking to start my own horse boarding.  These goals have been long in the making, but again it still wasn’t enough so I finally said to myself, “Self, what’s really holding you back from lessons now?” So I got up, picked up the phone, and called a place I’ve been researching about lessons.  It’s about damn time, don’t you think?  Yeah, yeah it’s time.  I’ve been taking lessons 3-4 times a week and you know what?  I might be competing for the first time in summer or fall.  Most likely fall.  I’m starting with dressage and then I’ll focus on jumping once I get the rest down.  Steps.  I’m taking the steps.  I didn’t let that little girl die and I never plan to.  I’m more focused than ever.

The moment I smell a horse, I smile.  The moment I began to brush and saddle her, I forget my worries and give her my secrets.  The moment I step into the arena, my heart lightens, and the very second I’m riding, I’m complete.  I know who I am now.  I’m a woman who loves horses and I will never give them up.

Inked

On January 16, 2010 I started an addiction I haven’t been able to quit.  They talk about people being addicted, but I never believed them.  I thought I could try it once and walk away.  I had a good reason for me sitting in this chair.   The famous buzzing of  needles working on other people was all I focused on as my chosen tattoo artist, Tony Adamson, stared at my back.  I had paid for a full day.  A full day and there I am, a virgin, and I’m about to be blessed with colorful pain that I’ve asked for.  On top of my virgin insanity, I decided I wanted a very large tattoo and not some small one to “test the waters.”  I walked in fully serious on my intent and the meaning of my journey. I knew I was dedicated, but I don’t believe I fully understood at that moment in time what I was in for.  It’s a beautiful thing, thinking about it now.

Taking a step back, I had searched for a little over a year for a tattoo shop.  I was playing it smart.  I read up on tattoo shops, what to look for, what to ask, and I knew I wanted a great artist.  I didn’t want someone who was just a tattooer who plastered pictures on you.   I wanted real art, the kind that make people stop and say wow.  I wanted beautiful realistic art.  I was digging through tattoo magazines and writing down names, later to research the artist and their work.  I relied on the internet pretty heavily.  I was living in Idaho at the time and Boise is a nicely tattooed city.  I started asking people about their art.  Where?  Who?  Address?  I visited plenty of shops.  One shop that came up often was A Mind’s Eye tattoo (amindseyetattoo.com).   As soon as I walked in, I knew this was it.  I was greeted by Wendy, Tony’s wife, and she answered all my questions.  Wendy was so kind, friendly, and very helpful.  The shop was extremely clean and they only focus on custom work.  There’s no flash work to pick off the walls.  They believe in quality and cleanliness.  I was a bit in love so I made a down payment.

I was nervous for the first touch of needles to hit my skin, yet excited for the sounds of the gun to be centered around me.  This was my journey.  Tony was patient with me and patient in his work.  I like that.  We passed ideas around and then he begun to draw on my back.

He wanted it to move along naturally with my curves.  He took pictures in between to make sure this is what I wanted or did I want to change something.  I loved all of it.   All of it from the very beginning is free hand.  I originally handed him two pictures of two very different phoenixes.  I wanted the strength of one and the elegance of the other.  Other than that, I told him he had 100% freedom with the colors, the shape, how the bird would be posed…all of it.

New ink was set out, new gloves donned, a piece of candy in my mouth and we were ready to go.  I shook at the first few touches, but it wasn’t bad….at first.  The first thought in my mind was there’s no going back and I don’t want to.  After 6 1/2 hours, I was sore, tired, hungry, and jittery from adrenaline.  I didn’t make it the 8 hours I paid for, but for a virgin I was damn proud of myself.  This was the brand new me…I won’t lie.  I cried (in private) when I saw the final product.  I was incredibly happy.  I had no words for the start of my journey.  I grabbed coffee and food that night and slept like I hadn’t slept in years.  I had put my body through the ringer.

Sitting number 2…

Sitting number 3…

Sitting number 4 is where it became tricky.  We were starting on the tail which meant rib work.  I liked the idea of having the tail wrapped around me and so did he.  This is the part that made me extremely nervous.  I have heard from the grapevine of others tattooed that ribs are painful.   The kind of painful that makes you grit your teeth and pray for mercy.  Boy were they right.  It was the only time I ever thought of quitting.  My friend Chelsea kept me focused, helped me listen to music, reminded me to breathe, and let me squeeze her hand like I was in the delivery room.  Yeah, it might be slightly funny, but I did sign up for it didn’t I?

Sitting number 5?  I decided to split the tail and wrap it on the other side as well.  Before Tony went to work, I kept thinking that I must be crazy, because the first time was hell on my determination.  If I could do it once, I could do it again.

This is the beginning of the start of the tail.  There’s still some left to be done here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My journey so far has been amazing and everyone at the shop has been incredible.  I can’t thank Tony enough and we aren’t even done!  We still need to do a bit more on the beginning of the tail and add color to all of it so I’m seeing the future in the chair.  I have an addiction and I’m proud of it.  It’s really great when other artists stop to take a look while the needle is buzzing away or even random strangers.  I enjoy the distraction.  After the second sitting, I’ve moved to Colorado so each sitting I’ve made trips by plane.  I’m determined and hell bent on getting it done.  Even when I’m 60, I won’t regret any moment of this.  I’ll still proudly show my inked skin off like a trophy.

Vulnerable

It’s not easy being vulnerable.  It felt like I couldn’t breathe it all in, the sadness.  As I was laying in bed last night, I silently cried over mom.  It’s getting easier and I’m getting easier and she’s getting easier, but her memories still hurt me to tears sometimes.  It just is what it is.  I’m not ignoring it anymore and that’s important.  In January it will be two years and I’ve ignored her for awhile, but the thing is, I just can’t do that anymore.  I know I’ve said all this before but maybe I’m saying it for myself too.  I have to remind myself to breathe.  To live.  To take it in.  Breathe it out.  It’s going to be okay.   He held me last night as I drifted off to sleep.  He understands the closeness to what I’ve lost because he’s lost too.  He knows who I am and I don’t have to hide anything.   Nothing replaces a feeling like that…

It’s not easy letting go but the thing is, I want to let go.  How does one physically and mentally do that?  Does it take time?  Do I just say I’m letting this go and it shall be done?  There’s a lot I hold in and I never try to.  It just stays.  I never talk about it or think on it unless someone brings up something that might snap me back to that moment.  It’s like carrying around an disease you never knew you had.  It’s there, you never notice it, until one day it’s in your face.  How the hell did that get there?

On a good side note…I bought a truck.  I’m not a bragger or one who shows off a lot of my new things but this has been a dream of mine for years.   Being able to buy my dream truck also means I’m closer to my ultimate goal and dream.  Two years or less, I’ll be able to buy a horse trailer to hook to that beautiful truck sitting in my driveway.  This also means I’ll be working in a clinic somewhere in the mountains with the possibility of buying my first house.   It’s all coming together.  The truck means more than just a truck for me.  It means my future is on it’s way.  I’m making sure I live my dream.  I refuse to give up.  I’m making life play my music and not the other way around.  It’s a hard path, but we all know that the path less traveled is a good journey.  Knowing all of this has really lightened up my soul.  I don’t ever remember of wanting to do anything else but work with horses.  There have been stories of me as a baby when I  could barely walk and yet I walked to get to the horses at the parades and shows the family took me to.  I guess I was just born with it haha

I’m craving soup.

 

Unexpected Events

Some days I wonder if it’s possible to be so happy.  I’m walking on cloud nine most days and thinking of mom has gotten easier.  I never thought I’d see the day for either.    I’ve never been so scared, happy, and excited all in one.  Most days lately are spent killing zombies together, playing guitar hero, or lounging about watching a movie.  He’s pretty damn awesome.  He’s an alpha for sure, a mechanic, confident, stands for what he believes in, smart, goofy with wit, stubborn, and can be a bit cocky.  Did I mention that he’s hot?  haha yeah that might be an understatement ladies.  I’m one lucky woman and I am counting my blessings.

I’m waiting for school to start back up but it won’t be long now.  I’m not sure how it will be but hell I know I can do it.  We’re talking about April here.  I’m a smart cookie.  Stubborn but smart.  I’ll probably go over all my notes a few days before school to get my brain wheeling in the right path.  It always helps to go over what you’ve learned.  I sometimes tend to forget the simplest of things I’ve learned.

Two days ago something happened that I just couldn’t…believe happened.  My cousin called me.  I haven’t heard from him in so long.  I almost cried when I saw him calling me and my heart did leaps when he invited me for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas.  My family is rough around the edges and if you don’t follow the path of what your elders want out of you, they tend to put their noses in the air, refusing to see you for you.  The thing is, him and I were two peas in a pod back in the day as kids.  We would play in the mud, swim in the fishing hole out back behind his house, and pretty much do all the boy things.  I could keep up just fine.  Him and I were a lot more independent which of course wasn’t the way the adults wanted us.  Him and I had it rough from the parents.  Always had.  He went one direction and I the other, ignoring the family almost entirely.   We both wanted the same things.  To be respected, to be seen as who we were, not what they wanted.  I love him like he was my own brother.  He’s married now.  I couldn’t be happier for him.  He’s hit a path in his life that truly makes him happy and I’m behind him 100%.   It’s been almost 6 years, I believe, since I’ve seen him.  Thanksgiving can’t get here fast enough.  Hell, I want to meet the lady that makes him happy.  I wonder if he’d give the “man talk” to my man?  haha  Knowing him, he probably would.  He’s always been protective.  I love you and I can’t wait to see you!

The other day, my best friend Chelsea and I went to Starbucks.  I didn’t want anything but Chels did so I went with her plus Barnes n Nobles is hooked to it and I wanted a book.  I always want a book.  What’s new?  Anyway, we’re greeted and right away I wanted to slap the person behind the counter.  “Hello girls.  What can I get you girls today?”  whoa! whoa! whoa!  “girls”?  Look, I know I look young.  I’ve been asked if I’m even 18.  I’m blessed and I know it but couldn’t of you at least said “ladies”?  I’m almost hitting my 30’s here and the last thing I want to be called is a girl.  I’m a woman for crying out loud!!  I knew Chelsea thought the same thing right away because we both looked at each other at the same time with the same look.  It’s a woman thing I guess.  I’m grumbling and she’s laughing.  People behind us are looking at us strangely.  I walk away grumbling.  She’s still laughing.  You want to ruffle my feathers?  Go ahead, call me a girl.  A girl!  Please!  I’m a woman.  A full blown mature woman with all the assets to prove it.   Sigh.  Although I never want to look my age so I can’t complain fully.

 

 

 

Ashes to New

It’s been a month since I’ve written.  I was laying in bed wide awake at 3:30 in the morning with all these thoughts zooming around.  I get here and it’s like everything went blank.  The ocean of heart is vast.

 

I should pick up the phone and say I’m sorry.  A simple hello would be a great beginning.  Yet I have no answers on why I never made the move.  Some things can not be fixed nor explained as to why I feel the way I feel.  Maybe I need to make a few of these calls.  I slide into a moment and sometimes leave a mess.

I won’t worry my life away.  School is coming and I’m excited to start up again.  For the people here, who walk around me, and thought I’d quit, this is proof I’m better than you see me.  I’m better than I ever saw myself.  I’m proud of who I’ve become, the break I took, the changes I’ve made, and carrying myself to a place I’ve only dreamed about. For the people here and far away, who walk around me, and see me better than I ever could, thank you for believing in me.

That break was so damn needed.  I was wasting into a place where I couldn’t breathe.  It was nice to just feel, get the things that were pressing done, and move everything along.  I have 20 credits approaching at the end of the month.  I know what you’re thinking and you’re right.  It’s a lot.  Bring it on.   I have a year and a couple of months left.  It’s not far at all.  I can almost see the light.  After I finish this quarter, I’ll be half way.  I’m daring to move.  I’m daring to live.  Everyone gets scared but if you could see what I can see….

I’ve taken these moments to also breathe in my grief and deal with it.  I know she’s with me.  It may be that I’m the one that simply is carrying her around or that she truly is watching, but either way, I’m facing it.  If there is truth to this, then knowing her, she’d want to slap and hug me at the same time.  It would only be right of me to frustrate her in death as well.  haha The plan was to go to Australia for her and I in December and finally say goodbye.  I’d put a closure on a lot of emptiness in my heart.  The plan has moved to December 2012.  The last thing I wish to do is do it alone.  It takes a little time to put the money together, but it will happen next year.  I hope I can face that day with the strength I’ll need.  It’s one of the reasons why I’m so thankful to have friends. “I’ve seen the ashes in my heart” is a good way to put it.  I’ve had a few friends of mine say that they wish they understood how I felt so they may give me some words or some comfort to put the death in my heart at ease.  I understand the fullness of their meaning more than they do and I tell them, no. No you don’t.  I would never want anyone to feel what I feel or know  how I move during the hardest days.  Dying is easy and living is the hard part.  I never understood that before, but I do now.

He’s a breath of fresh air.  I can’t keep my eyes off of him.  We move like we’ve known each other for years.  He could break me if I’m not careful but the last thing I want to do is be careful.  I want to be care free and run with him.  I knew the moment I met him….

 

Broken Seals

Broken Seals

I’m thinking of you
Again, it’s the same
How many lives are living
Damned and too tame?

Strange how I’ve always wanted
A little bit more, a better high
Just getting me through the day
Now the days are a soft sigh

Wasting stench of your pure lies
Lingering in the pale smoke
Burning one for the old demons of lover’s past
Always hungry, the heart’s little joke.

Stuff your change in my pocket
I could use it for the next ride
Into the coffin of life after
You’re the mirror in front of me, do confide.

I should of never believed you
Naive little girl,
Ignorant young woman
Open the cage, give her a whirl

We rode the wings of Pestilence
Yet now my immunity
To your diseased filled charm
Is out of opportunities

I stood at the steps of War
Such silence after the fights
Angled the sword just right
Yet I’m stronger than you by right.

I know the sour taste of,
Starved affection, hands apart
Tipped scales of love, it was Famine
Hemorrhaging, pale, almost time to depart

I knew the Death of us
Was what I prayed for.
I’m not scared, emerging with grace.
No longer a prisoner of war.

By your filthy hands
Cherish the damage that’s been done
I won’t ease your strain
Don’t think for once you were the one.

You didn’t take my wings
Draining angels is what you do
I refuse to be the fallen
For everything that depicts you.

You’ll continue to use
While I’m growing to endure
Suturing the battered pith
I’ve got a personal cure

random thoughts before the 4th

This post is probably going to be everywhere so have fun!

The 4th is tomorrow and seeing fireworks isn’t the same as you were when you were a kid.  I don’t have a desire to rush out to the nearest stands to get the best fireworks.  I don’t have a desire to even watch much of it’s beauty in the warm airy night.  The 4th is a day of remembrance for me more than anything now.   I’m proud of of the people that have helped this country achieve what we’ve achieved.   It can be a heavy price for freedom.

Colorado has been hot these days.  It’s been great but it’s hard to keep the house cool.  The swamp cooler and fans are going but it’s not much cooler than outside.  Summer is going to be a hot one in this house.  If anyone has any ideas on how to better cool down my house, please let me know.  Yesterday was especially hot but I had a great time zip lining.  It was a beautiful flying through the trees, the wind in my face, and the mountains in the distance.  I felt like I should of been doing Tarzan calls.  I loved having a harness on.  It was really cool.  I believe this coming week I’ll be looking into signing up for rock climbing classes.

Also next week I’ll be looking into this volunteer position that helps with rehabilitating horses.  They’ll need  help with mucking stalls, brushing the horses and of course with the horses themselves.  Also there’s a month class on massage therapy for horses.  I just might sign myself up for that too.  This is the best therapy for my soul that I could ever ask for.  Also, this will look good on my resume.  Oh yeah, I’m excited for this coming week.  I want to see what I can get myself into.  It will be great exercise too.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been a little addicted on Prince lately.  I keep replaying his songs.  If it isn’t Prince, it’s Alannah Myles.  She’s pretty damn good too.  I guess I just have a Prince fever.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one this has happened to.   In my car, in my shower, walking down the street, quietly in a store, or anywhere else I can play it, prince is playing.  haha

Lastly, I’ve admitted to myself that I need to work harder on my fitness.  I just really dislike where I’m at in my life with my body.  My bad cholesterol is high, I don’t feel ‘good’ and I feel like I don’t look good.  I want my confidence back.  I love my personality, my integrity, and my blunt honesty.  I love where my life is going and I love all my friends.  I just want to feel better about everything else.  I know what you’re thinking.  Typical female.  It is what it is and I’m being honest with it.  I don’t like feeling insignificant or over looked, not because of looks entirely, yet I feel the way I feel.  I’ll be doing the buddy system that way I have a lot more help in person.  I need a  little extra push at this time.

I hope all of you have a great 4th.  I’ll probably be watching a movie, maybe grill up myself some chicken and enjoy the neighbor’s fireworks for free.

Have I enough gas?

So there I was, in my bed, staring up at the ceiling fan going in circles.  I was having one of the moments where I knew I had things to do, but I was slowing down.  The cool air felt good.  Denver has been so hot lately, especially last Saturday when I was having a house warming party.  Goodness, that was a blast!  There were dogs on the grill, side dishes, music, and people playing volleyball intoxicated.  I should have gotten a video of that.  While I was laying there, I was thinking of all the things I’ve been handling…..my car being damaged, in the middle of a house sale, getting the roof fixed, the insurance companies, the party, and dealing with a roommate who’s trying to micro manage my life.   I believe the roommate is draining me most of all.  She’s 51 and acts like she’s 12.  Drama Queen.  Goodness it’s like I have to deal with a child.  I wish I could record some of the conversations I have with her.  haha  Sigh.  So as the ceiling fan made it’s rounds, I decided the best thing for me was to take a quarter off of school.  As soon as I sat with the decision, a weight was lifted off of me.  10 weeks of time off to sort out of my life like my paper work in my filing cabinets.  It’s a much needed vacation.  I’ll go back to school with a steady strong pace to conquer.  This decision is going to be better for my grades too.  I need a break and fix some other parts of my life that need fixing.

Silent speech

I was going through paperwork and organizing my life into file cabinets when I came across something.  It was about time I get myself fully organized and not half ass it anymore.  This includes school.   If I have to go back, I’ll know exactly where I can find the information.  Sometimes your world feels so silent, even with the melodies of music or people are in the background.  Something happened to me yesterday that made me realize that I’m not relaxed even when I’m relaxed.  I’m stressed and I have no outlet.  I’m planning to fix this.  Some people have vices, like a personal release for them.  Some smoke cigarettes, some drink, and others might immerse themselves deeply into something they love.  I’m thinking that’s what I’ll do. Immerse deeply.  A full soak of soul relaxation.  As to what I will do, I have no clue.  Maybe others will have suggestions.

Anyway I’m getting off track.  I found a poem that was written for my mother and I by a friend for the funeral.  I never read it.  I was too scared to get up there and just cry without words.  I couldn’t even get my legs to work properly.  I had so many guest to attend to, especially a General of the United States Air Force.  I was numb and scared.  Honestly, I feel like the only time I talk about this is on this blog.  I think maybe that’s why I haven’t blogged much.   People get tired of reading or hearing the same thing over and over again.  Yet this is my life and what I’m carrying around in my heart.  I’m tired, numb, and I don’t give a shit.   It’s not an attitude I carry around with me, just a feeling.  I’m tired of that feeling.  I just wish I could I get over it and move on.  How do you get over death of a loved one?  Does talking about it really help?  Some people make me feel like I’m a burden.  Well, then fine, I’m a burden but at least I *feel* something.

Over all I’m happy, I’m feeling quite strong towards my future, and I am blessed with what I have.  I can’t complain.  Yet I’ll tell you, it’s like death took the taste out of the foods I eat, made life’s colors pale, and everything is silent.   It’s the best way I can explain how I feel on some days.  Maybe ignoring it isn’t the best plan, but I have been.  I’m immersing myself in friends and activities and most of the time, it’s forced.  Don’t get me wrong, I want to hang out and do things, but I have to force myself to get there.  Once there, I’m fine.  I have so much to say, but the words never reach their destination.  Sometimes I leave the house because I feel caged.  The reminders of her, like her ashes,  push me out of the house.  I drink more coffee because Starbucks is open late and the voices of strangers break some of the silence.  I don’t care for bars and I’m sure drinking would just make it worse.

I know my life is simple compared to many.  I shouldn’t complain, but I hurt.  There, I said it.  I’m hurt.  I feel pain and it can’t be cured by Tylenol, Advil, or any other stronger drug like morphine.

The silent speech…

A Rose From A Rose

She was born, unique in her surroundings

A rose among the cactus, her beauty was astounding

Petals were as delicate as lace made out of love

But she could always show her thorns if push come to shove

Weeds grew all around her, but she didn’t mind

The rose was not just stunning, she was also kind

She always took the time to make friends out of foes

And make all the little weeds feel just like a rose

With flowery minds and weeds together in a tryst

All growing calm in harmony, making their own bliss

Symbiotic by choice and not merely by design

The weeds interlace together, and join the flowery mind

She shone like a beacon through lovely desert nights

The weeds and cacti see her and would know things were right

Her strength was born of love and a devotion to her seed

Which she planted long ago, another rose among life’s weeds

She was plucked before her time by the Gardner up above

And even in her passing, the world still feels her love

Look at me and see the strength she planted long ago

I am the rose from the rose and I will miss her so

Her name was Angela and she was my mom.