Archive for April, 2015


It’s almost rude to yourself when it appears the brain wishes to talk to you at midnight. Life’s mysteries are solved on the brink of sleep, it seems. I cry more now. I thought being a female was enough, but if you add in a near death experience it equals to tears. These tears are my wealth of gratitude about life.  I feel caged as well. Now I want to do everything possible, to live and breathe and drink in life. Is this what being reborn means?  

He’s so beautiful, my other half. He’s expressive even when he thinks he hides it. He’s loving even when he thinks he can’t express it The strength in him trying to be the best man for me leaves me breathless. I love him. Truly and unforgivably. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff. The wind is blowing and your heart is racing. You could fall any moment, but you can see and feel everything in that one moment. Exhilarating isn’t it?

So between the randomness of this post, I wrote a small poem at 3am. I have no idea why, no idea if it’s any good, and I honestly don’t care. On the other side, I always post my poems.
Here’s to my brain never shutting the hell up…

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It smells like sweat. I see the weights. I can almost feel the burn they create and the iron in my hands. I imagine adding the smell of my sweat to the room.  I can’t remember why I used to fight this besides the comforts of being lazy, but some days I enjoy the struggle. These are the thoughts I have before my work outs. With my limits now, my thoughts turn to how much can I push it. Some days I feel so normal that I forget I can’t run as hard and I must ignore the call of wanting my muscles to burn. There’s satisfaction in that.

What I never forget is how blessed and lucky I am to be alive. I was able to get in a solid 23 minutes of exercise tonight. That’s a lot for me. April 27th I have another CT scan to see how much I’m healing. All I can do is continue to be patient.

I don’t seem to be patient with house hunting. It drags on and I’m the type of person who knows what they want. I don’t expect brand new or remodeled.  I’m only renting, but it seems like space is non existent. I just want space…beautiful breathing room. A yard. Maybe a walk in closet?  And a big enough kitchen to where I don’t have to limit my cooking utensils.  That’s it. Simple, yet not so simple. Ugh!

On a positive note, I’m going to find a horse to brush this weekend. That’s pure happiness for my soul.