Category: September


Vulnerable

It’s not easy being vulnerable.  It felt like I couldn’t breathe it all in, the sadness.  As I was laying in bed last night, I silently cried over mom.  It’s getting easier and I’m getting easier and she’s getting easier, but her memories still hurt me to tears sometimes.  It just is what it is.  I’m not ignoring it anymore and that’s important.  In January it will be two years and I’ve ignored her for awhile, but the thing is, I just can’t do that anymore.  I know I’ve said all this before but maybe I’m saying it for myself too.  I have to remind myself to breathe.  To live.  To take it in.  Breathe it out.  It’s going to be okay.   He held me last night as I drifted off to sleep.  He understands the closeness to what I’ve lost because he’s lost too.  He knows who I am and I don’t have to hide anything.   Nothing replaces a feeling like that…

It’s not easy letting go but the thing is, I want to let go.  How does one physically and mentally do that?  Does it take time?  Do I just say I’m letting this go and it shall be done?  There’s a lot I hold in and I never try to.  It just stays.  I never talk about it or think on it unless someone brings up something that might snap me back to that moment.  It’s like carrying around an disease you never knew you had.  It’s there, you never notice it, until one day it’s in your face.  How the hell did that get there?

On a good side note…I bought a truck.  I’m not a bragger or one who shows off a lot of my new things but this has been a dream of mine for years.   Being able to buy my dream truck also means I’m closer to my ultimate goal and dream.  Two years or less, I’ll be able to buy a horse trailer to hook to that beautiful truck sitting in my driveway.  This also means I’ll be working in a clinic somewhere in the mountains with the possibility of buying my first house.   It’s all coming together.  The truck means more than just a truck for me.  It means my future is on it’s way.  I’m making sure I live my dream.  I refuse to give up.  I’m making life play my music and not the other way around.  It’s a hard path, but we all know that the path less traveled is a good journey.  Knowing all of this has really lightened up my soul.  I don’t ever remember of wanting to do anything else but work with horses.  There have been stories of me as a baby when I  could barely walk and yet I walked to get to the horses at the parades and shows the family took me to.  I guess I was just born with it haha

I’m craving soup.

 

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Unexpected Events

Some days I wonder if it’s possible to be so happy.  I’m walking on cloud nine most days and thinking of mom has gotten easier.  I never thought I’d see the day for either.    I’ve never been so scared, happy, and excited all in one.  Most days lately are spent killing zombies together, playing guitar hero, or lounging about watching a movie.  He’s pretty damn awesome.  He’s an alpha for sure, a mechanic, confident, stands for what he believes in, smart, goofy with wit, stubborn, and can be a bit cocky.  Did I mention that he’s hot?  haha yeah that might be an understatement ladies.  I’m one lucky woman and I am counting my blessings.

I’m waiting for school to start back up but it won’t be long now.  I’m not sure how it will be but hell I know I can do it.  We’re talking about April here.  I’m a smart cookie.  Stubborn but smart.  I’ll probably go over all my notes a few days before school to get my brain wheeling in the right path.  It always helps to go over what you’ve learned.  I sometimes tend to forget the simplest of things I’ve learned.

Two days ago something happened that I just couldn’t…believe happened.  My cousin called me.  I haven’t heard from him in so long.  I almost cried when I saw him calling me and my heart did leaps when he invited me for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas.  My family is rough around the edges and if you don’t follow the path of what your elders want out of you, they tend to put their noses in the air, refusing to see you for you.  The thing is, him and I were two peas in a pod back in the day as kids.  We would play in the mud, swim in the fishing hole out back behind his house, and pretty much do all the boy things.  I could keep up just fine.  Him and I were a lot more independent which of course wasn’t the way the adults wanted us.  Him and I had it rough from the parents.  Always had.  He went one direction and I the other, ignoring the family almost entirely.   We both wanted the same things.  To be respected, to be seen as who we were, not what they wanted.  I love him like he was my own brother.  He’s married now.  I couldn’t be happier for him.  He’s hit a path in his life that truly makes him happy and I’m behind him 100%.   It’s been almost 6 years, I believe, since I’ve seen him.  Thanksgiving can’t get here fast enough.  Hell, I want to meet the lady that makes him happy.  I wonder if he’d give the “man talk” to my man?  haha  Knowing him, he probably would.  He’s always been protective.  I love you and I can’t wait to see you!

The other day, my best friend Chelsea and I went to Starbucks.  I didn’t want anything but Chels did so I went with her plus Barnes n Nobles is hooked to it and I wanted a book.  I always want a book.  What’s new?  Anyway, we’re greeted and right away I wanted to slap the person behind the counter.  “Hello girls.  What can I get you girls today?”  whoa! whoa! whoa!  “girls”?  Look, I know I look young.  I’ve been asked if I’m even 18.  I’m blessed and I know it but couldn’t of you at least said “ladies”?  I’m almost hitting my 30’s here and the last thing I want to be called is a girl.  I’m a woman for crying out loud!!  I knew Chelsea thought the same thing right away because we both looked at each other at the same time with the same look.  It’s a woman thing I guess.  I’m grumbling and she’s laughing.  People behind us are looking at us strangely.  I walk away grumbling.  She’s still laughing.  You want to ruffle my feathers?  Go ahead, call me a girl.  A girl!  Please!  I’m a woman.  A full blown mature woman with all the assets to prove it.   Sigh.  Although I never want to look my age so I can’t complain fully.

 

 

 

Ashes to New

It’s been a month since I’ve written.  I was laying in bed wide awake at 3:30 in the morning with all these thoughts zooming around.  I get here and it’s like everything went blank.  The ocean of heart is vast.

 

I should pick up the phone and say I’m sorry.  A simple hello would be a great beginning.  Yet I have no answers on why I never made the move.  Some things can not be fixed nor explained as to why I feel the way I feel.  Maybe I need to make a few of these calls.  I slide into a moment and sometimes leave a mess.

I won’t worry my life away.  School is coming and I’m excited to start up again.  For the people here, who walk around me, and thought I’d quit, this is proof I’m better than you see me.  I’m better than I ever saw myself.  I’m proud of who I’ve become, the break I took, the changes I’ve made, and carrying myself to a place I’ve only dreamed about. For the people here and far away, who walk around me, and see me better than I ever could, thank you for believing in me.

That break was so damn needed.  I was wasting into a place where I couldn’t breathe.  It was nice to just feel, get the things that were pressing done, and move everything along.  I have 20 credits approaching at the end of the month.  I know what you’re thinking and you’re right.  It’s a lot.  Bring it on.   I have a year and a couple of months left.  It’s not far at all.  I can almost see the light.  After I finish this quarter, I’ll be half way.  I’m daring to move.  I’m daring to live.  Everyone gets scared but if you could see what I can see….

I’ve taken these moments to also breathe in my grief and deal with it.  I know she’s with me.  It may be that I’m the one that simply is carrying her around or that she truly is watching, but either way, I’m facing it.  If there is truth to this, then knowing her, she’d want to slap and hug me at the same time.  It would only be right of me to frustrate her in death as well.  haha The plan was to go to Australia for her and I in December and finally say goodbye.  I’d put a closure on a lot of emptiness in my heart.  The plan has moved to December 2012.  The last thing I wish to do is do it alone.  It takes a little time to put the money together, but it will happen next year.  I hope I can face that day with the strength I’ll need.  It’s one of the reasons why I’m so thankful to have friends. “I’ve seen the ashes in my heart” is a good way to put it.  I’ve had a few friends of mine say that they wish they understood how I felt so they may give me some words or some comfort to put the death in my heart at ease.  I understand the fullness of their meaning more than they do and I tell them, no. No you don’t.  I would never want anyone to feel what I feel or know  how I move during the hardest days.  Dying is easy and living is the hard part.  I never understood that before, but I do now.

He’s a breath of fresh air.  I can’t keep my eyes off of him.  We move like we’ve known each other for years.  He could break me if I’m not careful but the last thing I want to do is be careful.  I want to be care free and run with him.  I knew the moment I met him….