I woke up knowing I was heading to the stables, but something was off.  I felt like something was scratching at the back of my brain trying to tell me something.  Well, I wasn’t listening.  I was determined to get in the shower and put on a smile.  I was going to go see the horses.  How could I not be happy? 

I was focused and I made such an improvement in my riding today, that I laughed.  It felt great, but I still couldn’t figure out what the hell my problem was. The ladies at the barn were drinking champagne, laughing, and complimenting the new footing in the arena.  I listened to them while I just hugged Rambo.  I just wanted to breathe him in and feel his warmth.  It was so soothing to know that I had him and I just breathed.  I stayed with him like that for 15 minutes and then cleaned his bridal.  After that I started my drive home. 

I put on some music, and that feeling starts creeping back at me.  It hit me all of a sudden that I’ve been ignoring the date for a few days now.  Today is 3 years since she passed.  I’m not crying which is an improvement, but I still feel the presence of this day.  I know she’s gone.  I know I’ll never hear her voice again.  I know that she would be proud of me today and see me following my dreams.  All these things didn’t sink in last year.  I was simply too numb. It’s an improvement to learning how to let go.

She put me in English riding lessons when I was a young girl because I begged her.  I remember how scared she used to be of them.  It still makes me laugh.  She can go into war with her weapons, but she’s afraid of a horse.  I loved her oddities and her support in everything I did.  She always knew how to put things into perfect perspective.  I miss that.  

I’ve kept a lot of older recipes that she had from her mom and her grandmother.  I think I’m going to start a tradition of my own.  Every year on her birthday, I’m going to pick out one of the recipes and cook it.  Why not?  It will be a lovely memory of some of the most delicious things she used to cook when she wasn’t over seas fighting.  There’s a casserole dish that I’m dying to get my hands on.  It was awesome and delicious.  My taste buds were on joyous overload every time she made it.

One day at a time.  

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