One year ago I stepped into the role of step mom. I wouldn’t say I’m evil, selfish, or even crazy. I took it upon myself to be fair, kind, firm, a teacher, a cook, a guide, and someone he could count on. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing enough or what is right half the time. I’ve never been a mom before so you could say I’ve dived into this head first. I didn’t even test the water nor pray that I wouldn’t hit rocks on the way down. I went on blind faith.

It’s mother’s day and the memories of mom are always the strongest on this day. I honestly don’t want to get of bed, but there’s a little boy in the living room waiting to give me a gift. I’m waiting in bed trying to emotionally delay it all. I wonder if he knew how big this day is, if his young mind could take it?  Probably not, but that’s what an adult does. We stand alone and maybe our mom’s are still around to give advice. I wish she was. I’d ask her and tell her so much. I hope she’s proud of me. If it was her, would she do the same things?  My heart is too small to carry the love I have for my mom. She is missed beyond anything I’ve ever felt.

There are fresh flowers by my beside here…orange roses and if I peek at my present in the living room, there’s a heart box. I’m blessed to be loved and cared about, but sometimes it can be too much to bear. I’m not used to it. I’m really not. I grew up moving, shifting and I was never stable. Never. This is my very first stable place, moment, and time in my life. I’m 31. This is profound for me. To simply be comfortable in it is a lot of pressure to my natural instincts to keep moving. So what do I do? I rearrange furniture, I exercise, and anything else that I could make a change too. Most aren’t comfortable with change and I thrive in it.

I love this young boy I met a year ago. He’s such a beautiful young man and I hope I can influence him for the positive. I hope that what I do for him is righteous. I pray he makes the right choices when they come and if not, I hope he learns. In the meantime, I’m learning what it’s like to be loved, to have a stable family and to eat at a dinner table as a family.  Its all new.

I hope I don’t cry when I receive his gift. Is this what my mom felt? 

Advertisements