It’s been a month since I’ve written.  I was laying in bed wide awake at 3:30 in the morning with all these thoughts zooming around.  I get here and it’s like everything went blank.  The ocean of heart is vast.

 

I should pick up the phone and say I’m sorry.  A simple hello would be a great beginning.  Yet I have no answers on why I never made the move.  Some things can not be fixed nor explained as to why I feel the way I feel.  Maybe I need to make a few of these calls.  I slide into a moment and sometimes leave a mess.

I won’t worry my life away.  School is coming and I’m excited to start up again.  For the people here, who walk around me, and thought I’d quit, this is proof I’m better than you see me.  I’m better than I ever saw myself.  I’m proud of who I’ve become, the break I took, the changes I’ve made, and carrying myself to a place I’ve only dreamed about. For the people here and far away, who walk around me, and see me better than I ever could, thank you for believing in me.

That break was so damn needed.  I was wasting into a place where I couldn’t breathe.  It was nice to just feel, get the things that were pressing done, and move everything along.  I have 20 credits approaching at the end of the month.  I know what you’re thinking and you’re right.  It’s a lot.  Bring it on.   I have a year and a couple of months left.  It’s not far at all.  I can almost see the light.  After I finish this quarter, I’ll be half way.  I’m daring to move.  I’m daring to live.  Everyone gets scared but if you could see what I can see….

I’ve taken these moments to also breathe in my grief and deal with it.  I know she’s with me.  It may be that I’m the one that simply is carrying her around or that she truly is watching, but either way, I’m facing it.  If there is truth to this, then knowing her, she’d want to slap and hug me at the same time.  It would only be right of me to frustrate her in death as well.  haha The plan was to go to Australia for her and I in December and finally say goodbye.  I’d put a closure on a lot of emptiness in my heart.  The plan has moved to December 2012.  The last thing I wish to do is do it alone.  It takes a little time to put the money together, but it will happen next year.  I hope I can face that day with the strength I’ll need.  It’s one of the reasons why I’m so thankful to have friends. “I’ve seen the ashes in my heart” is a good way to put it.  I’ve had a few friends of mine say that they wish they understood how I felt so they may give me some words or some comfort to put the death in my heart at ease.  I understand the fullness of their meaning more than they do and I tell them, no. No you don’t.  I would never want anyone to feel what I feel or know  how I move during the hardest days.  Dying is easy and living is the hard part.  I never understood that before, but I do now.

He’s a breath of fresh air.  I can’t keep my eyes off of him.  We move like we’ve known each other for years.  He could break me if I’m not careful but the last thing I want to do is be careful.  I want to be care free and run with him.  I knew the moment I met him….

 

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