I was going through paperwork and organizing my life into file cabinets when I came across something. It was about time I get myself fully organized and not half ass it anymore. This includes school. If I have to go back, I’ll know exactly where I can find the information. Sometimes your world feels so silent, even with the melodies of music or people are in the background. Something happened to me yesterday that made me realize that I’m not relaxed even when I’m relaxed. I’m stressed and I have no outlet. I’m planning to fix this. Some people have vices, like a personal release for them. Some smoke cigarettes, some drink, and others might immerse themselves deeply into something they love. I’m thinking that’s what I’ll do. Immerse deeply. A full soak of soul relaxation. As to what I will do, I have no clue. Maybe others will have suggestions.
Anyway I’m getting off track. I found a poem that was written for my mother and I by a friend for the funeral. I never read it. I was too scared to get up there and just cry without words. I couldn’t even get my legs to work properly. I had so many guest to attend to, especially a General of the United States Air Force. I was numb and scared. Honestly, I feel like the only time I talk about this is on this blog. I think maybe that’s why I haven’t blogged much. People get tired of reading or hearing the same thing over and over again. Yet this is my life and what I’m carrying around in my heart. I’m tired, numb, and I don’t give a shit. It’s not an attitude I carry around with me, just a feeling. I’m tired of that feeling. I just wish I could I get over it and move on. How do you get over death of a loved one? Does talking about it really help? Some people make me feel like I’m a burden. Well, then fine, I’m a burden but at least I *feel* something.
Over all I’m happy, I’m feeling quite strong towards my future, and I am blessed with what I have. I can’t complain. Yet I’ll tell you, it’s like death took the taste out of the foods I eat, made life’s colors pale, and everything is silent. It’s the best way I can explain how I feel on some days. Maybe ignoring it isn’t the best plan, but I have been. I’m immersing myself in friends and activities and most of the time, it’s forced. Don’t get me wrong, I want to hang out and do things, but I have to force myself to get there. Once there, I’m fine. I have so much to say, but the words never reach their destination. Sometimes I leave the house because I feel caged. The reminders of her, like her ashes, push me out of the house. I drink more coffee because Starbucks is open late and the voices of strangers break some of the silence. I don’t care for bars and I’m sure drinking would just make it worse.
I know my life is simple compared to many. I shouldn’t complain, but I hurt. There, I said it. I’m hurt. I feel pain and it can’t be cured by Tylenol, Advil, or any other stronger drug like morphine.
The silent speech…
A Rose From A Rose
She was born, unique in her surroundings
A rose among the cactus, her beauty was astounding
Petals were as delicate as lace made out of love
But she could always show her thorns if push come to shove
Weeds grew all around her, but she didn’t mind
The rose was not just stunning, she was also kind
She always took the time to make friends out of foes
And make all the little weeds feel just like a rose
With flowery minds and weeds together in a tryst
All growing calm in harmony, making their own bliss
Symbiotic by choice and not merely by design
The weeds interlace together, and join the flowery mind
She shone like a beacon through lovely desert nights
The weeds and cacti see her and would know things were right
Her strength was born of love and a devotion to her seed
Which she planted long ago, another rose among life’s weeds
She was plucked before her time by the Gardner up above
And even in her passing, the world still feels her love
Look at me and see the strength she planted long ago
I am the rose from the rose and I will miss her so
Her name was Angela and she was my mom.
The Things I Carry... 
I think that you should not worry about if people like reading your blog or not. Use it help you express the emotions that are so hard for you to tell to others. It can be hard to talk to people about how you feel, even those closest to you. Talking to a stranger even if it is their job can be harder because they don’t know you so it can feel like they can never understand how you feel. Use what you have at you disposal to get things off of your mind. Vent, rant, forget what people think and just let your mind type what you feel. It is for you and only you don’t worry about if people read it not just have fun and let your true self out. 😉
What a beautifully written poem for you to cherish…thanks so much for sharing! It makes me want to share it!
I can empathize with your pain and the question, “How do you ever get over it?”. I don’t think you ever “get over” death. You learn to accept it and you learn to embrace your grief. It really is a gift. After my husband died 7 years ago, I truly felt that I had to have been the only woman in the world who lost her husband and was left to raise two kids on her own. The first year, I was numb…thank the gods for shock! The second year was hell…I was awake, and I felt everything, and it was REAL. Each year since has been “easier”, with fewer grief bursts, but as you know, not a day goes by that you don’t think of the one you lost. I remember the day my mother died I literally cried out loud, “Mom! This is the day I need you most and you are not here!” It sucks. Somedays are so incredibly lonely. I have learned to honor that. I can’t turn my back on it. Its a fact, AND its ok because tomorrow I get to start all over again…
As for your blog – I agree with the other blogger who posted. Blogs are meant for us to vent. I don’t judge – I learn. Hell, my blogs are almost all deep and heavy and heartfelt. Its a great outlet for me…and I love to write!
Honor your mother by honoring your grief. It is such an important part of who we are. It is a gift.
Peace…
*Hug*
Stay strong, and never forget you have people around you that support you.
Many of us are extremely proud of what you have done, and what you are doing. It is amazing, and you too are amazing.
You may force yourself to do things but keep in mind, many don’t even go that far. Many will let emotion take over. They will give up and they will never move forward. No matter how slow you feel you have gone, you have never stopped moving forward. That is admirable.
Good luck, chin up.
Thank you all for the comments. You’re all right and I’m going to take it to heart. I need to express how I feel more and realize it’s OKAY. I need to realize I am doing something and moving and I need to use this blog to the best of my ability if it’s the only place I can share. Thank you all for the support and love.