I did.  It was the usual, I suppose, yet what sparked the thought wasn’t.  Most of the time it’s things like the thought of her being surprised I have cats, and I usually think that when my cats are purring away, rubbing on me.  She was allergic to them.  Maybe it might be peppermint pattys I see in the store because those were her favorite or the way I’m anal about cleaning my own house.  She’d be proud at me for that.  I used to be the laziest, dirty kid.  Weren’t we all though?  Gosh, she used to yell at me all day for me to clean my room, do dishes, dust, and vacuum.  I hated it.  Now I pride myself in my clean house.  The one that makes me laugh the most is I came to visit my mom one day and she had her cd player out.  I decided to peek at her choice of music.  Out of all things my mom could of had, it was Eminem.  Now I listen to him simply for that and it keeps me smiling.

Although, today was different.  I was watching Dances With Wolves two days ago with a good friend of mine.  I decided since we didn’t get to finish it, I’d start all over again.  It’s on my top 5 favorite movies so why not watch it over again?  Well in the movie, a bit far into it, Stands With A Fist fluffs her hair.  It’s a very small insignificant thing in the movie.  I don’t know if anyone would ever catch it, but I did.  My mom would fluff her hair in the same way.  It caused a small soft ache of longing, wanting to see her smiling face.  I’ve noticed that it’s more of the small things, simple gestures, or a smell.

To this day I know she had a lot of secrets.  I’ll never know the answers to them, but they’re there in the back of my mind wondering.  She was quiet, humble, and worked hard.  She hardly ever spoke of her times over Iraq and Afghanistan.  I never asked in return.  I don’t know if I’d want to know.  Each time she came back, I felt like a little piece of her was missing.  I don’t blame her, but the questions were there.  I never asked.

If there are days where I’m having trouble getting my butt to school, she pushes me.  I promised her I’d get a degree.  If I’m not sure of a decision, I just simply think of what she might have said to me.  She encouraged me to be independent, live for me, and don’t be hasty.  I can’t thank her enough for everything that she has done for me.  All these things aren’t incredibly sad for me, just a reality I deal with day to day.  I love having her with me and other days, it’s just too overwhelming.

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