I spent days trying to sort this out and it’s still not even close to how I feel.  How can you even pin point such a thing?  Maybe you’ll understand in some way how much I miss her.  (Written in 2010)

Dear mom,
You left your heart behind
And the light that shines
Did you misplace the smiles
Because I can’t grasp mine

I miss the way we breathe
And how we held it all in
Now it’s all out and gone
I’m not living within

Those phone calls were long
I could hear the smiles, the tears
You gave it your best shot
Now I have to live through the years

Living half apart, broken
You could fix anything, I remember
A wisdom that knocked me off my pride
It’s 8 months in September

I called you those days,
Why did you go?
I miss everything about you
Why didn’t you tell me what you know?

You came back from the fighting
To protect the country, you had to go
I said goodbye
But I didn’t get a hello

I’ll still make that trip to Australia
And show you the seas
We won’t miss a thing
Not even the sea shore breeze

I’ll carry the flag with pride
Just as you did each day
I promise to get my degree
Living my dream and paving the way

Nothing is the same
The best foods are tasteless
I can’t remember the sound of your voice
It’s not something I like to confess

I’m sorry I made you cry
I’m sorry we have to say goodbye
I ask God, my life for yours
But the days just pass by

My emotions are as mixed
As these words I’m writing
I’m not sure how to feel
Some days I feel like I’m fighting
For my own life to work
Why do I even get up?
The mornings are like a desert
Empty, left thirsty for a loving cup

Of you, your face, those eyes
Demons beating down my soul
Of the guilt between you and I
And all I hear is “nevermore”

I have so many things to say
Yet I’m left speechless
I don’t want to walk away
What am I to do with this mess?

I’ve screamed for release
I’ve cried until the sleep takes me
The loneliness is on the increase
My heart and I can only agree

I’m so damn numb
I walk with no purpose
The drums aren’t beating with stories
This relentless war has no glories

I’m tired, fatigued and worn out
Of the focus of you
What do you expect me to do?
I’m left half apart and without

You come in dreams
And we carry nothing but silence
But your face tells all
Please mom don’t let me fall

Could you call me just one more time?
Tell me it’ll be alright and I’ll be fine
I’ll give back every single dime
I don’t want this life to be mine

I never told you
You’re my hero, my very life
I wish I could be like you
Being all I can be just so you can see

How proud you are of me
I remember when you told me
I hid the tears, the sunrise in my heart
Never thinking in two days you would depart

The very world shattered in my existence
I’m on the front-line with a flat line
There’s no electric fire
In my soul to breathe and shine

I’ll continue to replay our songs
Dancing in the car with memories
Smiling at the days
With our hair blowing in the summer breeze

I won’t give up on any day
I’ll answer the door if you knock
I love you ma ma
You are my strength, my rock.

Your daughter.