That’s right.  We all know it and yet we all search for those little secrets that can get us through the day, a week, a month, or even the year.  Well I’m here to tell you there’s no real manual to life except for the one you make up everyday.  A friend of mine told me that my life is only great if I believe it’s great.  How true that is.  If I were to simply stare and pick out all the negative, then how great would my life  be?

I was walking around today thinking of my mom and how much I miss her.  There’s a deep loneliness tethered together with thoughts of her.  It’s hard to believe she’s gone.  It’s hard to believe I won’t hear a phone call from her on my birthday, nor have her yell at me for the large tattoo I have.  There are times where I could be in a store looking at candy and there are those damn peppermint pattys that she loved so much.  Sometimes it’s a simple saying and I’m right back to the time with her and I.  It’s hard not to do it and yet I don’t regret the thoughts no matter how hard they are.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that my life has no manual and I take it day by day.  I smile, I dance, I ask for help when I need it and there’s no miracle.  I simply do what mom might have wanted me to do and still break those rules that she would be yelling at me for to this day.  I smile at those moments.  I remember when I first had my lip pierced and she was over in Afghanistan.  She emailed me asking for a picture to show her crew what I looked like.  I obliged.  The only email I received back was “Stop piercing shit!”  It still makes me smile.  There are days where I can’t help but express my love and heartbreak about her.  I push and I push harder.  The days come and I’m proud to say I am my mother’s daughter.  I’m proud to say I’m making it and winning everyday in school.

What’s next?  What do the days hold for me?  I don’t know but I’ll write new pages in my own manual trying to beat life at it’s own game.  The fire in my heart isn’t out.

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